*Letter From The Editor – Obviously, editing for Rob is the worst job anyone could ever acquire. You might have already realized, that due to the fact I’m sure his blog logs read like a dirty, dirty toddler wrote them, I don’t read his tripe. I mean do you? If so, I must ask how? So the errors are never taken out. I’m not sorry for this because if you partake in Rob’s fucked up mind you are to blame. Ain’t nobodies fault but your own! Well, just the other day the “genius” that is Rob says to me. “Since, the quote of the week is such a hit, not to mention the hype surrounding Burneius I was thinking about doing something with fake news articles and call it The Bunion. What do you think?” The only thing I could say is, “Well, beyond you not having an original thought, it is a horrible idea just like the quotes and Burneius are.” But… you know Rob. So now I am not proud to bring you the very first article of The Bunion.
THE BUNION: ISSUE 1 VOL.1
AREA MAN NEARLY ESCAPES DEATH IN HIS NEVER-ENDING BATTLE WITH FUNNY BOOKS
By: Ben Yourick
Events took place last Wednesday in St.Chuck, Missoura that lead to a near death experience for a long and faithful comic fan. “Some things are out of our control,” stated Fan Boy (due to legal bullshit we have to use a bullshit name.) He went on to talk about how you never think “it” can happen to you. “You know crazy shit happens to other people,” said straight-faced Fan Boy. When asked about what it was that transpired here in his bordello, this is what he had to say. “This is beyond groovy.”
“Mark Twain once said that if God existed, then it was clear he was a malign thug. I think Twain was on to something.” He then went on with his story of that Wednesday night. It appears that Fan Boy had retired for the evening. He had a long day of playing ragtime piano for the patrons of his bordello called, Ponytails and High Life, and was looking forward to getting to his weekly stack of comics. “It was a light week I only had 22 books,” added Fan Boy. He then, went to grab an issue from the top of a large stack of comic books. Fan Boy stores his comics neatly in large unorganized stacks that are strategically placed wherever. Shortly, after he grabbed his comic, changed into his muumuu, and squeezed his cat a few times he plopped down on his bed. This created a chain reaction, much like a domino avalanche of funny books crashing down towards Fan Boy. He was able to swat some away with his ponytail, while catching others with his beard. Actually, he seemed to have been well prepared for such events. His amazing training in balls protection against rackisms and ninja like sandal kicks saved his life that night. Even though he was struck a few times and left unconscious, things could have been much worse. “And since people have about twenty-five feet worth of intestines in them, that’s a lots of spillage,” added Fan Boy. He was out for about 12 hours and when he awoke he was disoriented, drowned in issues, and couldn’t remember how to exactly put his books back into their out of order state once again. “A man tries so hard,” said Fan Boy, when asked about the emotional state this tragedy had left him in. When the heroes you have loved for so long turn against you what are you supposed to think? Well, one lesson learned by Fan Boy is that the comic is one thing and the bag and backboard in another. “Corners of cardboards is mighty hard.” Stated Fan Boy, while sobbing. (Mostly because of the betrayal of his heroes, that he had thought were his friends.) When asked what Fan Boy was planning for the future he replied, “We keep surviving.” “Sometimes what we control, we destroy.” And sometimes what we control is “A psycho killer.” He continues to play ragtime piano for lonely men and his ponytailed friends, who peruse from the balcony. As far as the status of his relationship with his hero friends he said, “We all agreed we’d put our past resentments aside and accept a new paradigm.” His last statement to me was, “DARRRRK VENGEANCE!!” I think that means good-bye. Statements from the books, who are guilty of the assault, were refused. I suspect that because they are comic books they can’t talk; therefore, how could a statement be had. But, we were able to reach a friend of Fan Boy. He had this to say, “WHEEWWW!” I suspect I will be covering this story many more times, due to the fact Fan Boy showed no signs of change in his near future. Then again he is a samurai.
THE BUNION: ISSUE 1 VOL.1
AREA MAN NEARLY ESCAPES DEATH IN HIS NEVER-ENDING BATTLE WITH FUNNY BOOKS
By: Ben Yourick
Events took place last Wednesday in St.Chuck, Missoura that lead to a near death experience for a long and faithful comic fan. “Some things are out of our control,” stated Fan Boy (due to legal bullshit we have to use a bullshit name.) He went on to talk about how you never think “it” can happen to you. “You know crazy shit happens to other people,” said straight-faced Fan Boy. When asked about what it was that transpired here in his bordello, this is what he had to say. “This is beyond groovy.”“Mark Twain once said that if God existed, then it was clear he was a malign thug. I think Twain was on to something.” He then went on with his story of that Wednesday night. It appears that Fan Boy had retired for the evening. He had a long day of playing ragtime piano for the patrons of his bordello called, Ponytails and High Life, and was looking forward to getting to his weekly stack of comics. “It was a light week I only had 22 books,” added Fan Boy. He then, went to grab an issue from the top of a large stack of comic books. Fan Boy stores his comics neatly in large unorganized stacks that are strategically placed wherever. Shortly, after he grabbed his comic, changed into his muumuu, and squeezed his cat a few times he plopped down on his bed. This created a chain reaction, much like a domino avalanche of funny books crashing down towards Fan Boy. He was able to swat some away with his ponytail, while catching others with his beard. Actually, he seemed to have been well prepared for such events. His amazing training in balls protection against rackisms and ninja like sandal kicks saved his life that night. Even though he was struck a few times and left unconscious, things could have been much worse. “And since people have about twenty-five feet worth of intestines in them, that’s a lots of spillage,” added Fan Boy. He was out for about 12 hours and when he awoke he was disoriented, drowned in issues, and couldn’t remember how to exactly put his books back into their out of order state once again. “A man tries so hard,” said Fan Boy, when asked about the emotional state this tragedy had left him in. When the heroes you have loved for so long turn against you what are you supposed to think? Well, one lesson learned by Fan Boy is that the comic is one thing and the bag and backboard in another. “Corners of cardboards is mighty hard.” Stated Fan Boy, while sobbing. (Mostly because of the betrayal of his heroes, that he had thought were his friends.) When asked what Fan Boy was planning for the future he replied, “We keep surviving.” “Sometimes what we control, we destroy.” And sometimes what we control is “A psycho killer.” He continues to play ragtime piano for lonely men and his ponytailed friends, who peruse from the balcony. As far as the status of his relationship with his hero friends he said, “We all agreed we’d put our past resentments aside and accept a new paradigm.” His last statement to me was, “DARRRRK VENGEANCE!!” I think that means good-bye. Statements from the books, who are guilty of the assault, were refused. I suspect that because they are comic books they can’t talk; therefore, how could a statement be had. But, we were able to reach a friend of Fan Boy. He had this to say, “WHEEWWW!” I suspect I will be covering this story many more times, due to the fact Fan Boy showed no signs of change in his near future. Then again he is a samurai.
Posts
2 comments:
darren, i promise the wheewwww! came out of a comic. what was i supposed to do?
I'm not so sure the characters were wiping their brows and saying "wheww". Perhaps they were swinging thier party fists in the air drunkenly and exclaiming "wooohoo!" That's more like it.
Post a Comment